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Yeah, last time I was totally devastated. And now my mood is the total opposite. It's way better.
Hadn't felt this good in months, and I'm not kidding. Everybody's surprised about my change of spirits, and that's good. Was tired of being depressed the entire time.
What made my mood change so much? My thesis topic was approved, a musicologist I admire A LOT replied to an e-mail I wrote to her, and most of all, I realized I had actually closed a chapter in my life and gone on.
I realized that everybody has to take choices, and only the shallow ones are easy. But when it comes to something that may change your path forever, there will always be pain in the midst of it. Sometimes you regret those choices during your entire life, sometimes you know you did what had to be done.
And THAT is what I feel. The pain was there for a long time. Now I am free from it and able to enjoy life again.
This week's song: God Knows... -Hirano Aya. Suzumiya Haruhi can kiss my big ole Colombian ass, but Hirano Aya ROCKS! And this song is related to my current spirit.
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11/23/09
11/16/09
Soul Ache
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I've lost one of my best friends.
It's very hard to see a friendship go sour due to different reasons. I've lost countless friends over time, and I know I'm the one to blame because of my twisted personality and pathetic socializing skills.
From the beginning, I knew that our differences, and my inexperience, would ruin it. And I sure as hell hate it when I'm right about those things.
Currently, he hates me. He hates me more than any other person he knew before. And honestly, I can't blame him. I mean, I do hate myself the entire time. His main reason is that I walked out on him. What hurts me even more is that I did have feelings for him. But now it's all over, and in spite of me not feeling the heavy burden I have before, I've been miserable about it. I can't stop dreaming with this entire situation. Karma is a bitch. Now she came for payback.
I doubt he'll ever read this. I really doubt it. I truly feel sorry about this turning out so badly. He has all the right to hate me. He has all the right to call me whatever he wants. It's deserved, after all.
I've ended up hating others because I hate myself. I fell to the point where I sadly resemble my mother too much. And sadly, no matter how much I try to talk things over and just let my heart out, this pain hasn't receded.
Even if I write out a full apology, I'll never be forgiven. And the only one to blame is myself now. I just read something he posted in a placed I left because I felt the hatred there, and he's basically let his heart out. Can't blame him. I always knew I was a terrible friend, and this does nothing but confirm it.
Yet there are so many people that think otherwise... This should've opened their eyes to see how much of a wretch I am.
I can't place a weekly song this time. I don't feel I'm able to.
*Logout*
I've lost one of my best friends.
It's very hard to see a friendship go sour due to different reasons. I've lost countless friends over time, and I know I'm the one to blame because of my twisted personality and pathetic socializing skills.
From the beginning, I knew that our differences, and my inexperience, would ruin it. And I sure as hell hate it when I'm right about those things.
Currently, he hates me. He hates me more than any other person he knew before. And honestly, I can't blame him. I mean, I do hate myself the entire time. His main reason is that I walked out on him. What hurts me even more is that I did have feelings for him. But now it's all over, and in spite of me not feeling the heavy burden I have before, I've been miserable about it. I can't stop dreaming with this entire situation. Karma is a bitch. Now she came for payback.
I doubt he'll ever read this. I really doubt it. I truly feel sorry about this turning out so badly. He has all the right to hate me. He has all the right to call me whatever he wants. It's deserved, after all.
I've ended up hating others because I hate myself. I fell to the point where I sadly resemble my mother too much. And sadly, no matter how much I try to talk things over and just let my heart out, this pain hasn't receded.
Even if I write out a full apology, I'll never be forgiven. And the only one to blame is myself now. I just read something he posted in a placed I left because I felt the hatred there, and he's basically let his heart out. Can't blame him. I always knew I was a terrible friend, and this does nothing but confirm it.
Yet there are so many people that think otherwise... This should've opened their eyes to see how much of a wretch I am.
I can't place a weekly song this time. I don't feel I'm able to.
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11/9/09
What's The Point?
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I've been in a rather dour mood lately. Been thinking some about stuff I've lived and seen, and man, I just can't help but hate men.
Here in Colombia (and well, in many other places in the world), women are expected to be subservient, polite and overall disgustingly sweet. They're also expected to marry and be mothers, dedicated only to their children. This is called marianism.
But truth be told, it's nothing but bullshit. There, I said it.
Why women can't be independent? Why can't we just go on and live the way we want? A lot of woemn here live that way, but they're criticized behind their backs. Besides, with men being the way they are, it's just better to be alone. That's one of the reasons why I don't go out and socialize. I'm not going to turn into some guy's bitch.
Why am I so hardened? Well, not that anyone reads my BLOG, anyway... It's because of what I've seen. My mother was cheated on by my biological father, right in front of her eyes. I've seen girls crying because their boyfriends left them because "they're not good enough." And I've seen others changing into total bitches just to please them. If you're going to change, change for yourself, not to please others. Because no one is going to accept you 100%.
Call me whatever you want: Close-minded, stubborn, generalizer, hater. But as for me, I'm not going t let any man decide what I must do. I'm staying a loner until I die!
This week's song: Heavy Damage -Janne Da Arc. Because I'm not going to be a subservient little plaything for anyone.
I've been in a rather dour mood lately. Been thinking some about stuff I've lived and seen, and man, I just can't help but hate men.
Here in Colombia (and well, in many other places in the world), women are expected to be subservient, polite and overall disgustingly sweet. They're also expected to marry and be mothers, dedicated only to their children. This is called marianism.
But truth be told, it's nothing but bullshit. There, I said it.
Why women can't be independent? Why can't we just go on and live the way we want? A lot of woemn here live that way, but they're criticized behind their backs. Besides, with men being the way they are, it's just better to be alone. That's one of the reasons why I don't go out and socialize. I'm not going to turn into some guy's bitch.
Why am I so hardened? Well, not that anyone reads my BLOG, anyway... It's because of what I've seen. My mother was cheated on by my biological father, right in front of her eyes. I've seen girls crying because their boyfriends left them because "they're not good enough." And I've seen others changing into total bitches just to please them. If you're going to change, change for yourself, not to please others. Because no one is going to accept you 100%.
Call me whatever you want: Close-minded, stubborn, generalizer, hater. But as for me, I'm not going t let any man decide what I must do. I'm staying a loner until I die!
This week's song: Heavy Damage -Janne Da Arc. Because I'm not going to be a subservient little plaything for anyone.
11/2/09
November Rain
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My favorite month has arrived, though I don't particularly like its weather. Col, gray and rainy, but I withstand it because it's pretty important to me.
Three people I truly love have their birthdays in this month. And THAT, my friends, is something I really keep in my heart. It may sound weird, but that's the way it is.
On another note, college's being a pain where it hurts again, but once I finish this work, I may be able to get rid of an essay! I was asked (more like ordered) to write some program notes, which is something I had never done and am not fond of. I like having my free weekends/holidays, thank you very much! They would've made me do it for free if it wasn't for my teacher, who actually made a decent deal. He was the one with the idea of exonerating me from an essay. However, I would've liked another kind of remuneration.
I had had a decent week. But this pretty much ruined it.
This week's song: We're Not Gonna Take It! -Twisted Sister. The 80's weren't that bad, you know!
*Logout*
My favorite month has arrived, though I don't particularly like its weather. Col, gray and rainy, but I withstand it because it's pretty important to me.
Three people I truly love have their birthdays in this month. And THAT, my friends, is something I really keep in my heart. It may sound weird, but that's the way it is.
On another note, college's being a pain where it hurts again, but once I finish this work, I may be able to get rid of an essay! I was asked (more like ordered) to write some program notes, which is something I had never done and am not fond of. I like having my free weekends/holidays, thank you very much! They would've made me do it for free if it wasn't for my teacher, who actually made a decent deal. He was the one with the idea of exonerating me from an essay. However, I would've liked another kind of remuneration.
I had had a decent week. But this pretty much ruined it.
This week's song: We're Not Gonna Take It! -Twisted Sister. The 80's weren't that bad, you know!
*Logout*
10/26/09
Dream Come True
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If you've read the new column on the right side of the Field, you'll know what I mean. And if you haven't please do. It's for a good cause.
I still can't believe that I got some replies on YouTube from my all-time favorite voice actor. It just seems like a dream. And all thanks to the video my friend Ivan sent me.
On the other side, I was able to draw Nel Tu from Bleach (in my style).
Also made my first batch of lasagna. It's really good, according to my mom.
And to top it off, Junior beat América de Cali 3-0. BAM.
Don't have much to talk about. So a nice short entry is what I can give you.
This week's song: Kotonoba -Ishikawa Hideo as Ukitake Juushiro. Good voice, great character and awesome series altogether.
*Logout*
If you've read the new column on the right side of the Field, you'll know what I mean. And if you haven't please do. It's for a good cause.
I still can't believe that I got some replies on YouTube from my all-time favorite voice actor. It just seems like a dream. And all thanks to the video my friend Ivan sent me.
On the other side, I was able to draw Nel Tu from Bleach (in my style).
Also made my first batch of lasagna. It's really good, according to my mom.
And to top it off, Junior beat América de Cali 3-0. BAM.
Don't have much to talk about. So a nice short entry is what I can give you.
This week's song: Kotonoba -Ishikawa Hideo as Ukitake Juushiro. Good voice, great character and awesome series altogether.
*Logout*
10/20/09
Late Entry: A Long Monday
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Another Tuesday post. Man!
It was a very long and tiring day yesterday, and one of those damn nervous breakdowns had to attack me in college. Fought with Diego and stormed off after the World Music II exam... I really felt miserable. Had to vent off some steam. In comes my friend John, who really, REALLY helped me.
However, we didn't have class beyond the exam. Our teacher was pretty much worried about the group (we're 3). First in was Ricardo. He's a brilliant guy, but he has severe self-esteem issues, like me. Besides, I've told him, he has a splendid, SPLENDID voice. A very rich bass voice, fit for a radio host. His essays are excellent, but when it comes to exams, he freezes in fear.
Next, well... It was my turn. I still was in the breakdown, but I was shocked and moved when the teacher said he and the other guys (I'm the only woman in the group) were worried by me. He even said I could skip class if I wasn't feeling OK, but that is an order I can't follow. I hate skipping class, because I need to take my notes.
"Last semester, you were always helping with comments and such, and now you barely talk. It's a shame that we can't listen to your opinions now."
That shook me a lot. I felt I had nothing to say... I still do, but it shook me.
Got home, and this is the reason I didn't post yesterday: All the crying made my headache worse. So I slept for 13 hours. And I sure as hell needed that.
This week's song: Soumatou -DASEIN. No lyrics this time, sorry.
*Logout*
Another Tuesday post. Man!
It was a very long and tiring day yesterday, and one of those damn nervous breakdowns had to attack me in college. Fought with Diego and stormed off after the World Music II exam... I really felt miserable. Had to vent off some steam. In comes my friend John, who really, REALLY helped me.
However, we didn't have class beyond the exam. Our teacher was pretty much worried about the group (we're 3). First in was Ricardo. He's a brilliant guy, but he has severe self-esteem issues, like me. Besides, I've told him, he has a splendid, SPLENDID voice. A very rich bass voice, fit for a radio host. His essays are excellent, but when it comes to exams, he freezes in fear.
Next, well... It was my turn. I still was in the breakdown, but I was shocked and moved when the teacher said he and the other guys (I'm the only woman in the group) were worried by me. He even said I could skip class if I wasn't feeling OK, but that is an order I can't follow. I hate skipping class, because I need to take my notes.
"Last semester, you were always helping with comments and such, and now you barely talk. It's a shame that we can't listen to your opinions now."
That shook me a lot. I felt I had nothing to say... I still do, but it shook me.
Got home, and this is the reason I didn't post yesterday: All the crying made my headache worse. So I slept for 13 hours. And I sure as hell needed that.
This week's song: Soumatou -DASEIN. No lyrics this time, sorry.
*Logout*
10/12/09
A Peaceful Weekend
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Home alone for three days, since today's a holiday.
Silence is golden. Isolation is platinum.
Not having to withstand that disgusting stench of tobacco, eating when I feel like it, and the best thing of all: Being able to hear my own thoughts, without the sound of the TV blocking them.
If only this could last a lifetime...
This week's song: You -Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni. It's a really good song, but be careful. If you're emotionally sensitive, it could make you cry.
*Logout*
Home alone for three days, since today's a holiday.
Silence is golden. Isolation is platinum.
Not having to withstand that disgusting stench of tobacco, eating when I feel like it, and the best thing of all: Being able to hear my own thoughts, without the sound of the TV blocking them.
If only this could last a lifetime...
This week's song: You -Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni. It's a really good song, but be careful. If you're emotionally sensitive, it could make you cry.
*Logout*
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